Everything is turning upside down!

[reirobin]

Hello everypony, I've been really depressed thinking how my introverted self is showing signs again.

You see, I love socializing and is very much happy to make friends all the time. I'm loud and fun to be with, but somehow... after for awhile, I can get really sick of my friends and wanted not to see them again. It's like I'm more comfortable being alone.

Let me explain:
I am a very shy boy. Fortunately, it's my art that connects me with other people. People around me will be amazed by the things I can do and are willing to spend more time with me. Around 14, I met these really great friends and I really LOVE them. I seriously meant that. But all of the sudden, I felt really tired of this friendship and ended it. I can't stop myself from ending this wonderful friendship, I just had to! My friends were very sad and wanted to know why. Boy, I wish I knew why.

3-4 years later, I completely forgot about that event and started to make new friends. Unaware that I will be feeling something like that again. Yes, I met amazing friends and I really love making more and more friends. It felt amazing.
But now, I mean now! We're still hanging out together but I feel like I'm going to end this friendship again! I can feel it, I can feel myself wanting this outcome! But I don't want the friendship to end, I'm just really sick of the whole friendship thing.

Argh... I think I'm going to go crazy!

I don't understand myself...
I got pretty depressed when I thought of wanting to end our friendship and how I couldn't stop myself feeling such way. I'm such a loser...

Friendship is magic, that's why I enjoyed the whole series. But I JUST can't help thinking of ending friendship with everyone. I don't know what I'm becoming into. I hate to admit it, but I find a lonely life is much more comfortable. I just don't get it!
I'm starting to pick up the hallmarks of being autistic, not being able to face people in the eye. I mean, come on, that way easy for me last time!
I'm starting to be really quiet and I hate it when the slightest thing goes wrong.
I'm... becoming a monster... -SOBBBB- (jk, but... seriously!)

Oh, I'm so afraid of myself.
I don't know what'll change again, I don't want to hurt anyone!
Please help, everypony! :,(

[deathmineral]

Can't you just put your friendship on hold for a while? I mean everyone has times or days where they just want to be alone but they don't need to end a friendship for that. Maybe you could give a better description as to what you're feeling?

Also, judging from your age, it could just be a hormonal thing for you, from what I can see you have a rather melodramatic personality, that paired with teenage hormones would certainly amplify any feelings you're currently having.

My best advice is to simply take a break from your friends, explain to them that you want some alone time and kindly request they not contact you for a while. I think after a while you will get to thinking about your friends and start to miss them. Simply take a break, do NOT end friendship for something you can't fully understand yourself.

[shenanigans]

True Friendship endures even the lowest times. It may sound a little course, but if you don't want to end your friendships, then don't! Channel your inner energies to create a confidence in yourself and the idea that you don't have to end your friendships.

You are the one most influential in how you think. You can change, but only if you take the reigns and make it happen.

[Bon Bon]

Don't feel alone in this. I am exactly the same way. It's taken me a long time to understand myself, and I still don't really all that much, but there are two different reasons I've ended so many relationships over the years: introversion and fear of intimacy. One of them is perfectly natural and just the way our brains work... the other is BAD and must be resisted. Based on a couple of things you said, I think it might be the second one that's your problem.

For me, every time I start to get close to someone, there's a point at which we move past the small-talk stage and I share something that's very important to me, bare my deepest feelings and let them see what I'm really like. Inevitably after this I start to distance myself because I'm ashamed of what they must think of me and afraid of rejection. I interpret everything they say in the worst possible light and I stop reading emails and listening to voicemails until they give up. I've only had two friends in my whole life that I've kept after this stage, and both of them are just as messed-up crazy as me. I'm SO lucky to have them. Even if they both decided to move to a different state, humph.

As for introversion, a couple of years ago I moved to a different city for college and told myself there was only a one-letter difference between "loner" and "loser". I joined clubs, volunteered, socialized like crazy, met people in my classes, spent way more time with friends than I ever had before. But the truth is, it was unnatural and exhausting for me. This went on for nine months, me getting more and more exhausted and run-down from not taking time to be by myself, until long story short, I transferred to my hometown and gradually cut off contact with all the people I'd known there. I'm starting to build some new friendships again (after a year ), but I wish I had just been aware of my limits an not tried to be Ms. Social when that's not who I am!

My advice to you is take as much time for yourself as you need in order to rest the "socializing" part of your brain, BUT if you notice you're running away because you're afraid of being too close, force yourself to hang out with them and realize it's not as terrifying as it seems.

Good luck to you, and if you want to talk any more to a fellow introvert/intimiphobiac, feel free to message me anytime!

[reirobin]

Thank you everypony for replying, made me feel better.

deathmineral
I did thought about putting it on hold, but my friends couldn't keep their distance from me and it's exhausting for me to act like I cared about them. It's a very, very complex feeling: I love how they want to be around me, but I just don't want them to be like that, at the same time. I asked them to stay away from me, but they thought it was just a joke Then I started to become a REALLY rude person, and avoided them whenever possible. I don't want to become rude but that side of me just switched on whenever they're around. I love them but I just don't know what's happening to me. I can't control myself!
I was a really different person before, so this is an obvious contrast my friends can see and they're really worried. It's hard to explain to them on what's happening to me, and I don't know how long would it take before I can start hanging out with them again. But deep down, I'm really glad I finally had some peace and quiet time from my friends. And because of this contradiction, I feel bad and depressed.
I do hope it's some temporary hormonal thing, because I just want to be like everypony else making friends and feeling normal.
Thank you for your advice.

shenanigans
Thank you, I'll try my best. I know it would be hard, but hopefully I'll be able to overcome this. :,)

@bon Bon
Thanks for the response, I can relate to some of what you wrote!
Maybe socializing isn't a thing for me, I mean I like how it felt but after that I feel really awful in the presence of others. It's like I don't want to be there at all!
I guess now that I know my own limits, I should stay this way for a while.
But I'm really afraid of the future, of what I'm going to be.
If this is in no way temporary, how would my love life be? How would I deal with this fear of intimacy, if I really have it?
I can't even make myself happy and friendly when my best friends are around me.
Maybe sometimes I can, but most of the times I'm just no different than a rude stranger.
But thank you again for the advice, I'll try my best to maintain things how I want them to be.
I don't really have friends nor know anyone like me, so I feel really alone feeling this way. I'm really glad to know I'm not alone.